Useless Thoughts in the Dead of Night

The new Facebook how-are-you-feeling-emoticon application does not have the emoticon for "frustrated." That is the emoticon I wanted. And it doesn't have it. So I'm writing a blog about it any way.

I don't know why I am writing such a pointless blog post.

Maybe

it is because I am sitting at my computer. It is 1:26 am. I have finished my homework for tomorrow. But I drank too much coffee, so I have no interest in going to bed.

And I feel alone.

I had decided to read through my Facebook home page to waste some time. Bad idea. I don't know why I torture myself so much. Reading other people's posts makes me....jealous. I laugh at someone's post, and then wish I could be just as funny. I awwww at others' posts, and then wish that I had the same type of friendships or relationships in general. I am convicted by another post, and wish that I was that close to God, or that I could at least appear to be that close to God. I marvel at some one else's post, and wish that I was that intelligent or that I had the same way with words. Facebook just doesn't make me feel good about myself. (Although, the question should be asked, why do I need to feel good about myself in the first place?)

I feel so disengaged from life; so disengaged from people.

My own fault, I suppose.

I'm the one who avoids people. I'm the one who can't differentiate my boundaries from those of another person. I'm the one who gets drained by other people. I'm the one who is more comfortable inside her head than in a relationship.

When I am constantly surrounded by people and interacting with them, I begin to lose myself. I have a friend who tells me that he is fearful that if he devotes himself to getting his school work done, then he will lose himself. For the first time, I understand what he means--except that I feel it when I am with people constantly. Is this a bad thing? Or is this just the curse of an introvert?

My jealousy seems to say that I want to change..... But I also very much enjoy my inner world. I enjoy observing. I enjoy thinking. I enjoy imagining. But it gets lonely after a while.

How do I find the balance?

Unfortunately, I am very good at making myself busy, so natural time alone is very rare for me. In response, I tend to push people away. I am too exhausted and unbalanced to be able to properly conduct myself around people.

The accusation often comes: Do you really hate people that much??

No!!

I just find people exhausting.

Will this always be true for me?? Will I always be exhausted and overwhelmed by others? Or is this just some extreme narcissistic stage--brought about by the introspection of healing--that I need to move out of?

I don't know.

I feel fear.

Fear that if I move out of myself, things will go horribly wrong. I will lose myself in others. I already get lost in others' emotions (compounded by my own blaring emotions).

But is my current comfort slipping into complacency?

It is beautiful when I come out of myself. But there is also the huge risk of harm.

Balance.

I don't have it.

I need it.

I should go to bed. Or read a book. Or do something other than this.... Because these thoughts are going nowhere. Just circulating back to frustration.

I learned yesterday in Hermeneutics that, as Eastern thinkers, the biblical authors thought circularly (rather than linearly, as in our Western thinking), and that they often wrote to talk about something, rather than to come to a conclusion about it. So maybe that's what I am doing right now..... Although it would be nice to talk myself out of my frustration.

My grandfather has told me a few times, that I need to just accept things rather than try to do them or change them or escape them. I need to accept my emptiness. I need to accept my anger. I need to accept my cross. I need to accept my scars. Accept. Accept. Accept.

It's a foreign concept to me. If I have to accept something, then that implies that I do not have control over it.

Geepers....some "good" Christian I am......

Oh, that reminds me.... I'm pretty indifferent about God right now. My anger is not burning as intensely as it was. But I'm still struggling with the absent-minded "God is good" mumbo-jumbo. God is more complicated than that. And certainly His role in..... all of existence..... is much more complicated than that. I think I have held a distorted view of Love. Becuase I assumed Love meant that I was safe, or that I would be taken care of. I am not so sure that is true any more.

Oh, boy.... Am I losing my faith?

No.

I still believe God exists. I still believe God is a whole lot more powerful than me. I'm pretty sure I'm infinitely smaller than an ant to Him. I'm just not sure how I feel about God right now. I'm not sure I like the idea of submitting myself to a God who is asking me to crucify myself....I mean--that's not cool. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't feel like He has the best intentions for me in mind.

Trust and hope.

That's all God leaves me with.

He is asking me to trust Him, even though He hasn't proven Himself trustworthy in the most base circumstance of my life. He is asking me to hope in that which I cannot see (that's in the Bible, right?....insert me rolling my eyes here).

Funny thing about hope.... If I remember correctly, I read somewhere that biblical hope, is trusting that something WILL happen. Not that it might happen, or that I want it to happen. But that it will happen.

How do I know that God will redeem me in the end?

Because the Bible says so?

How can I trust the Bible when I am struggling to trust its Author?

This thing called Christianity..... requires me to have faith. Faith is illogical. Faith reaches beyond my emotions. Faith is a consious act of the will. I have to choose to trust God even though I don't feel that He is trustworthy.

That feels crumby.

That feels unfair.

That feels.....
(Yeah, "Whoever said life was fair?".....and "Well, if God was fair, none of us would be saved" Thank you, I've hear those before...)

But see, I realize it does not matter what I feel.

Because if I do believe that God is my LORD..... Regardless of whether I feel like serving Him, respecting Him, honoring Him, praising Him, trusting Him-- If I do believe that God is my Master. Then I need to remain under His reign..... even when I don't feel like doing so.

Hmmmm......

This Christianity thing is not as easy as I once thought. I took it for granted. It is not simple. It is not happy happy joy joy.

It requires discipline.

It requires work.

It requires moving forward even when the way forward is dark.

It requires saying, "God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, what are You doing?!"
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, that hurts!!!"
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."
"God, I will trust You."

(P.S. It's now 2:16 am....I might actually try to go to bed.)