Lost

Why can't I be a normal person????????????????????????

Why can't my emotions remain stable?

My friend pointed out that I had my knees drawn up to my chest in class again today. I was also laughing nervously at the dumbest things. When my friend asked me to take down my knees--which I reluctantly did--I practically lost it.

Fear.
Shame.
Fear.
Shame.
Fear.
Shame.

I couldn't even look my professor in the eyes.
Fearful he would call on me.
Ashamed I didn't have that elusive right answer.
A person spoke next to me--drawing the professor's attention--and I withdrew even further.

What is wrong with me?
Why is my shame so strong that I feel it for another person even if that person is not really feeling it?
Is it really shame?
Or is it just an insane amount of fear??

I got a 100% on my project. He wrote "some of the best."
It doesn't mean anything.
He probably doesn't even realize who I am.

My friend got a lower grade, but a verbal affirmation from this same professor.
That means so much more.
That gives life.

Why do I keep my mouth shut?
I am letting myself die....slowly.....
I am killing myself.....for NOTHING!!
It is all worthless.
Worthless.
Worthless.

I am a 5-year-old girl in a 22-year-old woman's body.
This is wrong.
I don't feel like I belong here.
I feel like I am losing my grasp on reality.
How much longer can I hold on?
How will I make it through?