Monday, January 14, 2013

What is This Feeling?!...Different.

I can't get over this feeling of different.
I am sitting next to the window in the living room of my apartment watching the campus slowly re-populate. I've done this many times before. Sit at my window. Watching. Seeing people re-appear. I am not watching any one or any thing specific. Just letting my gaze and my mind wander.
But I can't shake this feeling of different.
I saw a former friend of mine walk to the post-office. We have made amends to our open wounds, but we are no longer friends, nonetheless. Different.
I watched a couple show up. Both students of the college. They are engaged, in fact. He is dropping her off at her apartment. Helping to carry her bags. And my mind drifts to another man. A man who will no longer be carrying my bags. No longer accompanying me to my apartment. A pang of regret, and I try to avoid reminiscing to the point of remorse. Different.
I was asked by a friend last night about parts of myself that I missed. Parts that I had killed when I became consumed by my eating disorder. And it is true that there are parts of myself that I genuinely miss. I am different.

(What is this feeling so sudden and new? I felt the moment I laid eyes on-- No! Stop, Jaime. Be serious. Okay.)

Different cannot be all that bad.
I have changed so much just within the last few weeks. This type of different should be encouraging, should it not? Was I not just singing "I Will Never be the Same Again" with a joyful voice only a few days ago?
So why this heavy feeling of different?
Why is my heart so heavy?

Psalm 42:9-11
"I will say to God my rock, 'Why have You forgotten me?
Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?'
As a shattering of my bones, my adversaries revile me,
While they say to me all day long, 'Where is your God?'
Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."

I have also been listening to the song "Blessings" by Laura Story. I'm going to post some of the verses and chorus here:

"We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
. . . 
When friends betray us, when darkness seems to win
We know that the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You're near?

What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst
This world can't satisfy?

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?" 

Do I believe the words to this song?

Psalm 42:11 (again...)
"Why are you in despair, O my soul?
And why have you become disturbed within me?
Hope in God, for I shall yet praise Him,
The help of my countenance and my God."

Isaiah 43:1-7, 18-19
 "But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob,
And He who formed you, O Israel, 
'Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by name; you are Mine!
'When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they will not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched,
Nor will the flame burn you.
'For I am the Lord your God,
The Holy One of Israel, your Savior;
I have given Egypt as your ransom,
Cush and Seba in your place.
'Since you are precious in My sight,
Since you are honored and I love you,
I will give other men in your place and other peoples in exchange for your life.
'Do not fear, for I am with you;
I will bring your offspring from the east,
And gather you from the west.
'I will say to the north, "Give them up!"
And to the south, "Do not hold them back."
Bring My sons from afar
And My daughters from the ends of the earth,
Everyone who is called by My name,
And whom I have created for My glory,
Whom I have formed, even whom I have made.'
. . . 
'Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.

'Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.'"

Okay. I will trust You, my Lord and my God.  
God: "Good, Jaime. That is all I am asking of you."

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