Prior to tonight, I thought it was most important to be up front about one's weaknesses in entering a relationship. Mainly because I thought it was prideful and arrogant to highlight only the strengths one has. Is not that the warning given to those who are dating: Be careful, because he is going to be on his best behavior while dating, but once he has a ring on your finger, he will drop the sweet talk and become a bum.
But tonight changed my mind.
Tonight, I realized that I need to know the strengths that are being brought to the table. Because if I only see the weaknesses, then depression and hopelessness are soon to follow.
So this is my new philosophy: Bring your strengths to the table--be aware of what they are, show them off even--but also present your weakness--don't deny them or try to hide them.
If I see the strengths, it is easier for me to give grace with the weaknesses.
(Now, please don't misinterpret me--if one has weaknesses, he deserves grace regardless of his strengths. But grace for a fellow human being is much different than grace for a man that I am considering submitting myself under in the covenant of marriage.)
Okay, enough philosophizing...onto the main point:
What do I bring to the relationship table? (Be prepared for jumbled randomness!)
- a love of harmonizing
- an obsession with languages that is only a few phrases deep. Be prepared to hear random words in a variety of languages.
- the remnants of an eating disorder. This includes useless (and useful) nutrition knowledge that I often distort, a ruined body image, a propensity to sneak starches when I am depressed, and a nutritionist named Bruce.
- a voice inside my head that always condemns or claims that I am not enough--that I must do more, more, more
- a intellect that loves to be exercised
- three and a half years of therapy--be prepared to hear psychological language abound
- a spirituality that had its origin and most of its existence in my head--it is now is my heart as well, but struggles to distinguish itself from the intellect.
- an unfamiliar and untamed anger
- a love of cats
- a varied residency past: parents', dormitory, apartment, psychiatric hospital, eating disorder support house, grandparents', Indonesian home
- free-flowing tear ducts
- a sin-habit of trying to take on God's responsibilities
- a crazy, messed up family....but who doesn't have one of those?
- a weird obsession with chickens
- a fear of spending money
- a strong (and sinful) desire to know my precise future
- a headstrong, prideful, stubborn self
- a young faith (just over two years)
- an addiction to getting a 4.0
- a fear of children (although I do work with them...figure that one out!)
- a love of writing
- a desire to be considered an "artist"
- an introverted self
- a hole (read "Introduction: My Black Hole" in order to understand this)
- a love of books--especially literature
- a dark childhood (sexual abuse)
- forgiveness withheld (a source of darkness, which God is in the process of working out of me)
- a fear of making decisions
- father issues
- a listening ear
- a fear of using my voice (and my words)
- a fear of the phone (please text me! haha)
- an understanding of addictions
- a desire to see others freed. (Now only if I could desire that without trying to play God and, furthermore, desire it for myself.)
- a love of ideas, imaginations, inceptions : )
- a love of words--the English language (even the Americanized version of it) is beautiful, despite what others say, I think we have just forgotten much of it (myself included).
- a love of fire, water, and heights
- a love of chocolate (yes, I am officially a woman)
- a fear of entering deep, meaningful relationships, especially with other females.
- a fear--but also a longing--for transparencey
I did not separate "good" from "bad", "strength" from "weakness" on purpose. Not only do I think people's perception of what is a strength and what is a weakness will be different, but I also think that some aspects can be a strength and a weakness. Furthermore, my opinion is not as important as the opinion of the one with whom I am in relationship with.
So.....What do you bring to the table?
When combined with my attributes, do we make a colorful banquet with a delightful (or at least tolerable) balance of sweet and sour, strength and weakness? That is something for the two of us to determine in the presence of our Creator.
(If you are reading this and you would like to add to my list of attributes things that you see in me that I have missed, feel free to comment here. If you would like to make a list for yourself, you can comment here with that as well!)