I've been told that if I want to be a writer then I should write everyday. But recently I've been afraid to even try to pick up the sword. (I suppose that is what I feel that my pen....or pencil....or keyboard....is. A sword.)
I've been overcome by fear and confusion and exhaustion.
Try hosting someone from a foreign country for two weeks, and in the middle of that try ending a serious relationship as well. Oh, and on top of that, keep the rest of your chaotic life going--because other relationships and life decisions don't disappear just because your life has become a little more cramped or a little more painful. (Sigh) But I digress. I am not writing to complain or gossip or wallow in self-pity.
However, I do write to create order out of chaos.
Interesting that I put it that way "create order out of chaos." Is that not what God did during the final three days of creation? I never cease to be amazed at how writing can connect me with God--manifest His image within myself. After all, writing is the act of creating. So does my fear of writing equate to a fear of bearing the image that God has given to me?
My grandmother told me today that we often feel confused after a time of high stress, and that, therefore, I should not be concerned that I feel so confused.
I guess that should be a relief to me....but it still leaves me with the confusion.
I am confused about how I should be relating to someone who has broken my boundaries in the past.
I am confused about what love feels like.
I am confused about whether or not I should be praying for God to remove the veil from my eyes.
I am confused about how I should use my gifts and talents for God.
I am confused about how I should share my faith with others.
I am confused as to why God has not given me a particular calling on my life.
I am confused about how to hear from God.
I am confused as to how much I should listen to my feelings.
I could go on and on. I feel like I am blind and deaf. I feel like I am walking in darkness. (Oh, dear God, help!) And it is all I can do to not completely freak out in fear.
Well, maybe that's not entirely true. I am not paralyzed by my fear as I have been in the past. I am still slowly moving forward.
Is this me trusting God? (I mentioned I'm confused, right?) Feeling the fear, but refusing to act upon that fear simply because I feel it? I hope so. Because if it is not--if trusting God requires that I feel no fear in the beginning steps--then I am not sure I will ever be able to trust God fully.
The lyrics from a song by BarlowGirl, called "Let Go" keep streaming through my head: "Yeah I trust in You /I remember times You led me /This time it's bigger now /And I'm afraid You'll let me down /But how can I be certain? /Will You prove Yourself again?"
I've never had to trust God this much before.
But I'm doing it.
I've already taken the first step. And the first step is always the hardest.
And I'm still alive. The sun has come up the next day. And I still have eyes to see it.
God, I'm so confused. I'm scared. But I'm not going to stop moving. Please, please guide my steps in the darkness. I pray for the ability to see. But since you have not given me that ability yet, please, please guide me.
I'm here, Jaime. Follow My still small voice. You will have to tune your ears to me. You will have to shut out the other voices. But I am here. Follow My still small voice.