A God of Reconciliation

"Amazed" by Desperation
You dance over me
While I am unaware.
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound.
Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You;
How You love me.

This song was played in Living Waters a few weeks ago. It did not hit me in any particular way at the time. However, my leader has been repeatedly praying that for us: That God would dance over each one of us.

I have felt alone. The first time I said it out loud was a few days ago. "I feel so alone." And my poor boyfriend--I can hear and see him in my memory now: "I'm right here. I'm right here." I could hear him; I could see him; I could feel his arms around me. But it wasn't enough. I felt alone within myself. And the cold feeling was spreading through my body.

I find my inner world is shockingly different from my outer one. My inner world is so broken right now. Yet, I have worn a mask for so long, that I can hide my brokenness well. Or I can portray my brokenness in a collected (essentially, unbroken) way. But the truth remains: my inner world is broken. Only the people who are closest to me see it. My best friend (whom I am dating) sees it the most. He sees the tears. He sees the wrath. He sees the fear. I know God can see these things too. But my best friend is an earthly witness who can reflect back to me what he sees.

I repeat: my inner world is shockingly different from my outer one. I am in the process of looking at a ministry internship. Am I ready? I was just asked to be a mentor. Am I ready? I lead thirteen year old girls in a God-centered youth group. Am I ready? I sing on a worship team. Am I ready?

Here is a clear depiction of the difference between these two worlds. My best friend is very good at pointing out how self-focused I can be. (Most people are self-focused; however, this is not the goal of a God-seeking Christ follower.) So, yesterday, I decided to focus my attention very keenly upon my best friend. I challenged him in ways that I very, very rarely challenge him. I am not sure how he received these challenges--especially since he is aware of my own weaknesses--however, giving him challenges is something he has asked me to do. So I did. And personally, I am pleased with myself for doing it. But as soon--I repeat: as soon--as the challenge-giving time was over, my mood sunk. It sunk hard, and it sunk fast. I moved almost to a mild depression. I noticed it, and it scared me. I thought to myself: does it take this much energy out of me to be present in someone else's life? Do I hold such little love, joy, life that if I expend just a little bit of it that I am left void? And my mood did not get much better. I survived one class, but then the next class was health. I could not contain myself any longer. Anger flared. Not outwardly, mind you. Remember: my inner world is very different from my outer world. But the anger was there. I left that class with the now-familiar hurting heart. Anxiety. I can at least recognize it and label it now. But I was still concerned about my self. I laid down on a couch, put music in my ears, and shut out the world.

If you have not read my previous blog, "Releasing Idols One Step at a Time," I encourage you to do so since I am going to refer to its contents now.

Last night we--the Davis College family--gathered to celebrate Christ's crucifixion. The first man I saw when I entered the room was my professor, to whom I had sent that email. I felt crushed even further. The tears of shame wouldn't stop.

But God was determined to step in. God and Satan waged war over my shame last night. Satan wanted to accuse; God wanted to acquit. Three times last night I was overcome with guilt: as my once-idolized professor gave a devotional about unity, obedience, and love; as we were led in communion; as we were sitting in the garden of Gethsemane being told to pray with our eyes wide open so that we could observe the final temptation of Christ. Each time I felt worthless--dirty--a mess. And each time God whispered in my ear: "I dance over you while you are unaware. I sing all around, but you never hear the sound."

A man of God sent this verse to me two nights ago: Zephaniah 3:17 "The LORD your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior. He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love, He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy."

I have felt so alone in my filth. So alone in my brokenness. So alone in the decisions that I have had to make--and still need to make. Can I believe that God is in my midst? And furthermore that He is rejoicing over me--dancing over me--singing over me?

"Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You;
How You love me."
Once that final phrase came to my mind last night, the tears broke hard. I was sobbing. My heart--my dried up, shriveled up heart--was trying to absorb all of the love God was pouring onto me last night. It was painful. And my heart was so hardened that I am sure it could not and did not absorb it all. But God kept pouring and the pain--the blessed pain--kept coming. When the tears finally ceased, I was at peace--exhausted--but at peace. At peace in God's unconditional love.

But this morning my God--the God of reconciliation--wanted to crown His love-act of last night. Today was the first time I had class with my professor, the one to whom I gave that grievous confession. Not only did I have to interact with him in class, but I was the last person to leave the room (completely unplanned given my still fragile conscience). My professor--my Christ-filled professor--brought up my email. He didn't attack me. He didn't accuse me. He didn't belittle me. He didn't guilt me. He thanked me, and he affirmed me. He encouraged me, and counseled me. He showed me the love of Christ in the way only a member of the royal priesthood can. He was the agent of reconciliation sent by God to affirm every work He did in my heart last night.

My God......is amazing.

"You dance over me
While I am unaware.
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound.
Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You.
Lord I'm amazed by You;
How You love me."