Gruesome

Beware of reading this post. It has blood and gore. But at least it is real. . . .

I was sitting in my car. Crying. Because my boyfriend was going home.
Now, if you knew me and if you knew my boyfriend and if you knew our relationship--this would probably take you by surprise. I am not the clingy girlfriend. My boyfriend only lives an hour and a half away. And our relationship is rough and real.
But alas, there I was--sitting in my car, watching him leave, tears rolling down my face.

I am loath to admit the solution to this problem, but here it goes: my tears were more for myself than they were for my boyfriend. I knew. I knew as my tears fell, that he had to go. Because part of me was just using him.

I was (and am) an emotional wreak, and he was a bandage that was holding me together for the time being.

He had to leave. It wasn't fair to him.

I purposefully turned on the following song:
"All That Matters" by Anthony Evans:

"Obsessed with what they'd think if
They really knew me
And I've been
Oppressed with the feelings
Of never being enough and I'm tired
I'm tired
All that matters to me is what you see when you
Look at me
All that matters to me is how you feel when
You think of me
No more distractions my one affection
Is only you my Jesus now....
You're all that matters
I've wasted time believing
I could become everything they wanted
Now I'm left with only pieces of who I was and who I really am
I, I am tired
I don't need another heart but yours but yours
I won't put any other love before you my Lord"

I have been playing this song repeatedly the last few days. Because I know part of it describes me. Because I have been obsessed and opressed and tired. Because I have wasted time and now I'm left with only pieces.
But . . .
I haven't gotten to the all that matters part.
I haven't gotten to the one affection part.
I haven't gotten to the I don't need another and I won't put any other.
I'm still just in pieces.

Then I changed to this song:
"Rock Bottom" by Jimmy Needham:

"I've never seen anything like your fountain
Comin' down from the tip of the mountaintop
And it goes, never stops, only overflows
I've never met anyone with the power
To make a desert bloom like a flower
Up and it goes, where it stops, only heaven knows
Never known anyone as wonderful as you are
Over and over
You fill my heart with wonder
You take me by surprise
I can't believe my eyes
Wider and deeper
Just when I think I've seen you
Like a stone thrown into the ocean water
I could search your depths
And never hit rock bottom
How can the God of the galaxies
Have a care for the little things
Every tear that I cry, every time that I smile
Deep in me you've created a fire
Like a friend you keep taking me higher
Up and it grows, where it stops, only heaven knows
Never known anyone as wonderful as you are
Even though I'm plungin' in the depths of your love
I'm just scratchin' the surface of who you are
All the seas in all the world cannot contain all that you are
You captivate my heart"

And the tears started pouring down.
I couldn't even sing this song.
Because I couldn't feel even the slightest ounce of God's love.
I thought back to "The Box" (see previous post)--
and realized that despite writing that little story,
I still only hold the perspective of that Jaime:
thinking that God is not even going to look up from His paper,
so I will just keep lugging around my cardboard box
slowly
wasting
away.

I drove home in those tears
to my new home
that I don't want to be in.
I gritted my teeth through
dinner preparation,
dinner consumption,
and dinner eradication.
I did my duty
and earned my keep;
barely saying a word.
And then I escaped to the sanctuary of my room.

I knew I was starving--
parched and starving for God.

But instead, I journalled.
I wrote about all the people who I feel are demanding my love;
who are sapping up my energy;
greedy for my attention and presence.
I wrote about all the personal problems I need to resolve;
that I don't have time to resolve.
I wrote that I have have only one--
and two more with "marginal" status--
person that feels completely safe to me at the moment.
Then--
what an idiot, Jaime?--
I realized there was
one
g-a-p-i-n-g
problem
that I forgot to add to my list:
MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD.
Oh, yeah.
How did I forget that one?
Right?

I collapsed on my bed,
painfully aware of my
dehydration
and
starvation.

Without much cognitive input I opened up to the book of Philippians.
(It was the next book after my ribbon bookmark.)

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. . . .
Only let your manner of life be worthy of the gospel of Christ . . .
not frightened in anything by your opponents. This is a clear sign to them of their destruction, but of your salvation, and that from God. . . .
Have this mind among yourselves . . .
he humbled himself . . .
work out your own salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure. . . .
you shine as lights in the world . . .
Even if I am to be poured out as a drink offering upon the sacrificial offering of your faith . . .
Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my
Lord. . . .
not having a righteousness of my own . . .
becoming like him in his death . . .
forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. . . .
Only let us hold true to what we have attained. . . .
But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ . . .
Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. . . .
do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. . . .
for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content. . . .
I can do all things through him who strengthens me. . . .
a fragrant offering, a sacrifice acceptable and pleasing to God. And my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus."

What did I get out of all that?
Not the answer that I was looking for.
(I don't think I really had a specific question.
At least not one I was willing to ask the text.)
Not a stamped approval from God to move forward.
(To where, I don't even know anymore.)
Not overwhelming Peace.
(I've almost given up on this.)
I got three things:
1) I want to shine as a light in the world. But I cannot be a light until I count all things as loss--including the approval of those who are closest to me. This means a part of me will have to die.
2) I live out of the fear of money and the fear of man.
3) God saying, "Jaime, your eyes need to be on me. Period. That's where that Peace will come from."
(I didn't allow for anything further, for I was fearful that my own personal biases would take over.)

And then
I fell
fast
asleep.