Monday, June 17, 2013

The Uncontrollably Weird

יהוה is weird. And unfortunately, I think my skepticism reveals my enormous lack of trust.

I was reading out of a devotional (that I struggle with believing anyway because of its extreme Spirit-based nature), the following words:
"The secure, steadfast, immovable life of My disciples, the Rock Home, is not built at a wish, in a moment, but is laid, stone by stone, foundations, walls, roof, by the acts of obedience, the daily following out of My wishes, the loving doing of My Will.
And it is in that Rock Home, manmade but divinely inspired--the House of Obedience--the truest expression of a disciple's adoration and worship--it is there I come to dwell with My loved one."

Upon reading this, desire welled up within me. So I prayed:
"יהוה , I don't understand how I am able to obey You when I cannot hear or understand Your voice. How am I supposed to do that? Is it possible to have the desire without the ability to hear? That doesn't make sense. Or is it that I really do not have the desire; therefore, I cannot hear? Oh, יהוה , please reveal to me the depths of my heart. Please reveal to me if they are not aligned with Your Will. Please may my desire for You be real! I want a House of Obedience in which You dwell with me."

After praying this I turned the page to the next reading (I hate to admit that I was about a week behind). This is what it said:
"You have entered now upon a mountain climb. Steep steps lead upward, but your power to help others will be truly marvelous.
Not alone will you arise. All towards whom you now send loving, pitying thoughts will be helped upward by you.
Looking to Me all your thoughts are God-inspired. Act on them and you will be led on. They are not your own impulses but the movement of My Spirit and, obeyed, will bring the answer to your prayers.
Love and Trust. Let no unkind thoughts of any dwell in your hearts, then I can act with all My Spirit-power, with nothing to hinder."

My response: "Oh! That's not fair! How am I supposed to know whether or not those words are from You?!"

The inner voice: "Keep moving forward, Jaime."

And so I sit here debating: Was that truly from יהוה or not? Maybe it was just a coincidence. But doesn't faith involve seeing  יהוה's hand in the coincidences? So that they are no longer coincidences; but rather, divinely planned occurrences? Or is all of this stuff just too radical for Jaime's rational mind? Jeepers, Jaime!! Is it possible for you to stop trying to control יהוה by insisting that you understand Him?!

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