Thursday, June 20, 2013

Slippery Slope to Self-Condemnation

I sometimes wonder what I sound like to a person who does not believe in Jesus as the Christ- who has not encountered salvation.
However, I think I might have caught a glimpse. I am going to share a journal entry I wrote last night after speaking with someone...

I don't know how I feel about this man-from-camp character that I just talked to. He seems to be sugar-coated in spiritual pixy dust. 
I am NOT writing it on Facebook. 
I do NOT want to do devotions over the phone. 
I do NOT want his put-it-in-a-positive-light bullshit. 
Let's see if it lasts outside of this "love pool". I wonder is his membrane is semipermeable so that he can actually hold some of it in? Or is it only an aqueous nothingness? Is he truly warm blooded, able to regulate his own heat? Or is he only a cold-blooded creature who is swayed by his surroundings?
Am I jealous?
No. I feel like he's been brainwashed. Like he's wearing rose-colored glasses. 
His voice even sounded softer--like someone chopped off his balls. 
I was trying to be as fake as possible so as not to disturb his rose-coloredness. I wouldn't want to remind him that I am still stained BLACK.
I feel like shit now compared to his holiness. I suppose it is only my own self-condemnation . . . but there it is. . . .
I wish he had never called. 

Oh, hey there, yeah--I'm supposed to be a Christian. 
Well, the truth is that the urge to compare and critique and condemn does not discriminate. Just because I follow Christ, it does not mean that I am so super-human that I am immune from the nasty emotions of humanity. 
No, I still have a responsibility to do emotional work. To look at my emotions and use my mind to assess them. 
Today, I am choosing to tell myself that my life journey--my spiritual journey, my emotional journey--is mine alone. It is between me and Christ. I have no business looking at someone else's journey and demanding that either theirs look like mine or mine look like theirs. What profit is there in doing that?
Absolutely none. 
Other than self-condemnation. 
Hey, Jaime, have you read Romans 8:1 recently? Or how about Romans 14:1-12?

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