Friday, June 28, 2013

Desert Soul

Am I demanding too much?
Or am I just spinning my wheels?

I want him. 
I don't want him. 
I hurt him. 
I don't deserve him. 
It's supposed to be about God. 
I should have been satisfied with him. 
But I wasn't. 
I should have been satisfied with God. 
But I wasn't. 
I want him back. 
Or maybe I just want security back. 
That is using him. 
I don't deserve him. 
I want him. 
But I wasn't satisfied with him. 
But I don't want anyone else. 
I don't know anyone else. 
But I let him in deep. 
Deeper than anyone else. 
I just need to be patient. 
I don't deserve him. 
Does he deserve me?
But I hurt him. 
But he hurt me first. 
Stop playing victim. 
This is supposed to be about God. 
What do I do about hurting him?
I did all I can do. 
I apologized. 
And I set him free. 
Free from what?
Free from me. 
Free from continued pain. 
Did I set myself free?
Free to swim in the sea
of loneliness. 
Didn't I want to be here?
But I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him. 
I was happy. 
But I was also unhappy. 
And I was scared. 
I felt safe. 
I felt unsafe. 
I didn't trust him. 
I didn't trust God either. 
The deeper in I let him get,
the more I resisted. 
I said I would let him in. 
But I barred the door. 
I barred the door. 
He stood at the door and knocked. 
But I kept it locked. 
Am I talking about him or God?
I am not ready for a relationship with him
or with any other man
if I cannot be right with God. 
This sucks. 
Can't I be hopeful?
I'm too stubborn. 
I want him. 
But when I had him I wasn't always happy. 
Does that mean I just want someone
other than God?
This sucks. 
I'm a horrible child. 
No pity-party. 
How then am I supposed to punish myself?
Punish myself?
That's not my job. 
Is that God's job?
He's already done that. 
He took him away. 
Or did He take my security away?
My idol?
I feel gross. 
A gross person. 
An unworthy person. 
I don't deserve him. 
No self pity. 
This is about God. 
And do what?
I can't stop thinking about him. 
I am lonely
and angry
and sad. 
Just live. 
Fill your life. 
You can't force yourself to focus naturally on God. 
Remind yourself consciously,
But you can't force it. 
Use your life to run to God. 

"I had no words of reproach for any I healed. The man was whole and free who had wrecked his physical being by sin--whose palsy I healed.
The woman at the well was not overwhelmed by My 'Thou hast had five husbands; and he whom thou now hast is not thy husband.'
The woman taken in adultery was told 'Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.' She was not told to bear the burden of the consciousness of her sin. . ."

"So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand. For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 7:21-8:1

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