Distant

"God knows exactly how and when to turn us in the right direction, and the more we study His Word and His nature, the easier it becomes to recognize and trust His voice."

This is a quote that I have hanging on my wall. I have been staring at it quite a bit the last few days, and slowly coming to grips with the fact that I have no idea what God's voice sounds like. It is a sobbering realization.

I have come to depend so much upon people. Which is not a bad thing, in and of itself. I am a strong advocate in encountering God through is people. That is the purpose of the Body, the Church, and community. But the problem, in my case, is that I have lost touch with God myself. So I can no longer discern who among me is speaking the words of God--if anyone.

My mother reminded me today that my grandfather is only human. My response: "So is my pastor." I wrote in my journal during the service today this reflection: "Am I hearing God, or only a man?" I don't know.

Then my mother crowned her advice with this: "I was wrong in my advice for you to talk to people; I should have told you to go back to God."

I have failed miserably at this.

Alright, maybe it is not that bad. I have talked a lot with God about this. Have I downright asked Him? Well, yes, actually. But that brings me back to my previous post (A Sign . . . Haven't We Already Been Through This?). How do I know what God is saying? I don't know because I can no longer understand His voice.

Do I have the time to learn to understand His voice again? Ha. I feel so dumb asking that question. So many retorts pop into my head. . . . "God doesn't live in time;" "Isn't that demanding of you, Jaime?" "God works in His own time;" "Learning to understand God's voice and reconnecting with Him is much more important than any of the decisions you are trying to make." "You run the risk of making the wrong decision if you don't learn first."

So does this mean my priorities are wrong?

Yes.

Is it even worth it to think about this stuff then?
Should I just throw in the white flag, and give up all over again? Go back to being floormat-Jaime?

This SUCKS!
But it is my own fault.

My grandfather said something that stung yesterday: "Maybe if you had figured this out a year ago and had been more healthy. . . "
Those words make me think that I have lost my chance. I have run out of time to live my dream.

I thought things were working out. . . .