Saturday, May 18, 2013

A Sign? . . . Haven't We Already Been Through This Before?

"Talk to God about it."
"Make sure this is from God."
"Seek God."
"Ask for confirmation from God."
"Ask God for an answer."
"What does God want?"

How in the world am I supposed to know something is "from God"?
How do I know that God is saying "Yes" to something?
"Do you need to know what it looks like, Jaime?"
Well YEAH! If I am going to figure out whether it is "of God" then I kinda need to know what that looks like--otherwise I will NEVER know!
And didn't we already go through this? Didn't you tell me that time that I shouldn't try to get a sign from God??
So . . . I'm a little confused. Because you seem to be contradicting yourself.

This is not something new.
I have wanted this for a while.
But it is just safer to numb out my desires
because then I don't either
work myself to the grave trying to achieve them
or become disappointed when they do not come true.

But this sleeping giant has been awakened
and it will not be put back down easily.

My grandfather started all of this.
"Dream forward."
Well . . . I'm dreaming now.
And I didn't plan to talk with my pastors about this.
I was going to be normal
and just ask them for money.
No--they dug up my unsatisfaction.
They dug up my dreams.
They dug up my hunger.
I could have gone on happily starving myself.
But, no.
This was not my plan--
I didn't ask to be awakened.
Then there's all this opposition.
Are You really going to dangle a treat in my face
and then tear it away from me???
What kind of loving God is that???
Oh, right, it's just my flesh. . . .
What is sinful about pursuing my dreams?
It's not like my dreams are sin!
Yes, if I use them to walk away from God in idolization--
Yes, that would be sin.
But that is not what I am doing!
I was given a brief glimpse of hope
that maybe God actually loves me the way I am;
that I don't have to radically change in order to be used in His kingdom;
that maybe I can actually enjoy my life
rather than be beaten into a submissive pulp.

"Delight yourself in the LORD;
and He will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the LORD,
trust also in Him, and He will do it.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
and your judgment as the noonday.
Rest in the LORD and wait patiently for Him;"
"Cease from anger and forsake wrath;
do not fret; it leads only to evildoing."
"The steps of a man are established by the LORD,
and He delights in his way.
When he falls, he will not be hurled headlong,
because the LORD is the One who holds his hand."
"The Law of his God is in his heart;
his steps do not slip."
"Wait for the LORD and keep His way,
and He will exalt you to inherit the land"
"But the salvation of the righteous is from the LORD;
He is their strength in time of trouble."

"There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your indignation;
there is no health in my bones because of my sin.
For my iniquities are gone over my head;
as a heavy burden they weigh too much for me.
My wounds grow foul and fester
because of my folly.
I am bent over and greatly bowed down;
I go mourning all day long.
For my loins are filled with burning,
and there is no soundness in my flesh.
I am benumbed and badly crushed;
I groan because of the agitation of my heart.
Lord, all my desire is before You;
and my sighing is not hidden from You.
My heart throbs, my strength fails me;
and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me."

"I said, 'I will guard my ways
that I may not sin with my tongue;
I will guard my mouth as with a muzzle
while the wicked are in my presence.'
I was mute and silent,
I refrained even from good,
and my sorrow grew worse.
My heart was hot within me,
while I was musing the fire burned;
then I spoke with my tongue:
'Lord, make me to know my end
and what is the extent of my days;
let me know how transient I am.
Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths,
and my lifetime as nothing in Your sight;
surely every man at his best is a mere breath.
Surely every man walks about as a phantom;
surely they make an uproar for nothing;
he amasses riches and does not know who will gather them.
And now, Lord, for what do I wait?
My hope is in You.
Deliver me from all my transgressions;
make me not the reproach of the foolish.
I have become mute, I do not open my mouth,
because it is You who have done it.
Remove Your plague from me;
because of the opposition of Your hand I am perishing.
With reproofs You chasten a man for iniquity;
You consume as a moth what is precious to him;
surely every man is a mere breath.
Hear my prayer, O Lord, and give ear to my cry;
do not be silent at my tears;
for I am a stranger with You,
sojourner like all my fathers.
Turn Your gaze away from me, that I may smile again
before I depart and am no more.'"

"I waited patiently for the Lord;
and He inclined to me and heard my cry.

He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay,
and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm.

He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God;
many will see and fear
and will trust in the Lord.

How blessed is the man who has made the Lord his trust,
and has not turned to the proud, nor to those who lapse into falsehood.
Many, O Lord my God, are the wonders which You have done,
and Your thoughts toward us;
there is none to compare with You.
If I would declare and speak of them,
they would be too numerous to count.
Sacrifice and meal offering You have not desired;
my ears You have opened;
burnt offering and sin offering You have not required.
Then I said, 'Behold, I come;
in the scroll of the book it is written of me.
I delight to do Your will, O my God;
Your Law is within my heart.'
I have proclaimed glad tidings of righteousness in the great congregation;
behold, I will not restrain my lips,
O Lord, You know.
I have not hidden Your righteousness within my heart;
I have spoken of Your faithfulness and Your salvation;
I have not concealed Your lovingkindness and Your truth from the great congregation.
You, O Lord, will not withhold Your compassion from me;
Your lovingkindness and Your truth will continually preserve me.
For evils beyond number have surrounded me;
my iniquities have overtaken me, so that I am not able to see;
they are more numerous than the hairs of my head,
and my heart has failed me.
 Be pleased, O Lord, to deliver me;
make haste, O Lord, to help me.
Let those be ashamed and humiliated together
who seek my life to destroy it;
let those be turned back and dishonored
who delight in my hurt.
Let those be appalled because of their shame
who say to me, 'Aha, aha!'
Let all who seek You rejoice and be glad in You;
let those who love Your salvation say continually,
'The Lord be magnified!'
Since I am afflicted and needy,
let the Lord be mindful of me.
You are my help and my deliverer;
do not delay, O my God."

What are You saying, God?
Should I expect an audible answer from You?
And I suppose these are actually King David's words right?

I was surprised you asked about that song--
that song that impacted me so much.
Funny that I will be singing it tomorrow at church.
The song is "Amazed":

"You dance over me
While I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
Lord I'm amazed by You
How You love me"

Do you think God is saying something?
Do you think God is giving me a gift out of His love?

Then I listened to this:
"Beautiful Things":

"All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
All around
Hope is springing up from this old ground
Out of chaos life is being found in You
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us
You make me new, You are making me new
You make me new, You are making me new"

Do you think God is making something beautiful out of the ashes--
the ashes I have created out of my life?
Do you think this is Him making me new?

But NO!
Forget about awakening my heart!
We have to be practical, Jaime!
"Where is the money?"
"Are you just trying to avoid people?"
I am trying to live out who I think God created me to be!
I feel like He is finally opening the doors and saying,
"My daughter, you are free to prosper and increase in number
using the talents I have given to you.
Be an under-ruler of your world."
But you say I am being selfish.
You say I am afraid to finish what I started.
You say I am taking advantage of what has been given me.
But my HEART is involved!
Why did you awaken my desires in the first place??
You could have left me dormant!
I would have avoided this pain!!!
I would have been your door mat
and not complained once!
But now I have tasted and seen,
and I do not want to go back!

I went to the play.
I thought about the playwright.
He or she was exploring the world,
put words to it,
put actions to it,
put characters to it,
and created a small microcosm.
I want to do that.
I did it once;
I want to do it again.
Then I saw her.
(God, if you are playing a crude trick on me--)
There she was;
the professor I had
the one time I took a Literature class
at BU;
sitting directly in front of me.
"Do you think it is a sign?"
A sign of what?
That I should go?
That it was a good experience?
That I am just too desperate?
And a sign from who?
Satan? Trying to tempt me?
Or God? Trying to remind me what I once tasted?
Or maybe it is just my flesh--trying to turn coincidences into signs.

Do you believe in coincidences?
Or do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

I talked to her.
She is no longer at BU.
But she said I could email her.

Maybe that's a sign I shouldn't go to BU--
since one professor isn't there anymore?
(Yeah, right.
Oh, so that's reading too much into it, Jaime?
Where do you draw the line?)
Or maybe it was just meant to spark my attention?

I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
I also believe God is playing a horrible game with me if I am just supposed to ignore all this.
He awoke my heart--
or at least the desires of my heart.
And if it wasn't Him directly,
He used my grandfather and two of my pastors.
I don't believe in coincidences.
I believe everything happens for a reason.
The question is: What is that reason?

No comments:

Post a Comment