God I don't understand what is going on.
It sounded wonderful this morning--like the doors were opening, like I could suspend my fear and my doubt.
And now it just sounds too good to be true.
Am I just really selfish?
Am I asking for too much?
Am I immature and self-focused?
Did I let myself listen to other voices once again?
But I feel like you are calling me again and again. It would be ludicrous to pass this up! I feel like I am going to complain down the road that you never let me use my gifts or my passions. And you're going to respond with, "Well, Jaime, I gave you so many opportunities, but you never took them!"
Tamara. My course at BU. My autobiography course. Brett. 8MM. Sal's wife. Katherine's change to SNHU. Drama Workshop. Reading at the conference. Blake and Josh. My blog.
You are doing something, God.
Or am I just reading too much into things?
I cried today, God. I cried. I cried because I have been so unhappy. So alone. Trudging along . . . FOR YOU!!
No wonder I'm mad at you. No wonder I don't trust you. No wonder I resent you. No wonder I don't want to submit to you.
Because I feel like I have to change to be used by you; accepted by you; appreciated by you.
I feel like I have to mold myself into something different so that I can be picture-perfect Christian girl (whatever that looks like).
Who's voice am I listening to???
That's easy: ___!!!!!!
Why am I listening to his voice??
Well, you put him in my life didn't you? To challenge me or something?
No. I don't feel loved.
Because he stands in my way at every decision I want to make.
I don't know why I put so much weight on his voice!!!!!!!
I guess I put weight on everyone's voice. I want EVERYONE to be happy with me and my decisions.
Ugh. Yes, we talked about that today. Yes, I get it: pride, pride, pride. Well you made me this way!
No. No. I don't regret being this way. Believe it or not, I actually like who I am. I just feel that everyone else hates who I am. Or doesn't want me to be who I am. Or wants me to be someone different.
Why can't you just focus on you and Me?
BECAUSE I KEEP BEING TOLD THAT I AM SELFISH!!!! So I must be doing something wrong!
Jaime, calm down. Can you just forget about him for a minute and listen to me?
You are making this a whole lot bigger than it has to be. This is just one internship; one summer; $500--
Jaime . . . please.
This is only $500; a few years of school; your first attempt at a life outside of college.
God, this is sounding bigger and bigger.
No, Jaime. You are allowing your distorted mind to make it bigger.
Okay. Okay. Let's try what Blake said. . . . Let's call my self-idolization, "Sophia". . . . Oh, boy, can I do that? Would that be blasphemous or something? That is my favorite Greek word!
Then that makes Sophia the perfect name for your self-idolization, considering its meaning.
Alright, then. God, Sophia is here again. Could you please make her go away?
Good job, Jaime.
. . . You're not going to answer me?
I just told you, "Good job." Isn't that affirmation enough? Actually, now that I think about it, I gave you MORE than you needed with affirming you.
Now, you sound like my therapist.
I put her in your life for a reason.
Okay. Okay. Okay. We are getting off-topic.
No. No. This is good, Jaime. We haven't talked in so long.
Well, it's true. How is your relationship with You-Know-Who?
There are many relationships with Those-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named in my life, and most of them are pretty sucky right now.
That answers my question then.
You don't handle sarcasm well at these times, do you? He was right.
Okay. Okay. I'll stop. Can you do me a favor, Jaime?
You are God, aren't you? They aren't exactly favors.
Oh, yes they are.
Can you just relax a bit, please? Just relax in knowing that I am at work here? I did something in your heart this morning. I know you felt it. (I made sure you felt it!) So try to shut out the voices. Even Blake's and Josh's. Just focus on listening to Me in your heart. Can you do that? I know what you are thinking. I know that your heart is wickedly deceitful. But it is also a place where I dwell. Can you trust that I am there? And that I am working? Can you willfully choose to trust Me?
Now go to sleep.
But, God, I have decisions to make.
Have you even asked for My help?
Well, then, what are you waiting for?
God, I need help. I need help desperately. I have felt so unhappy. Those two men saw it almost immediately today. (Alright, my crying didn't help.) They gave me hope that you haven't given up on me. That you still have a plan for me. That you still might use my natural skills and passions. That was so cool, God! But in order to abandon my plan, I have to make many decisions. Decisions about my internship that is supposed to start in a few weeks. (Do I back out?) Decisions about what school to attend. (Do I transfer once again, so late in the game?) Decisions about what major to choose if I go. (Do I choose my passion even if I may not be particularly skilled at it?) I need help, God. They helped me see. But now I have to carry through. And I am scared. I am scared of making the wrong choice. I am scared of abandoning ship--many ships. I am scared to disappointing people. I am scared of failing. But I am also scared that if I stay I will be miserable--or at least unfulfilled--or that I will be wasting my life. I am scared that I am just being selfish, and that I am missing the mark completely. I am scared of missing this opportunity! I am scared that it is going to pass by and I will never have the time to recapture it! There is so much fear, God. Because I am not in the practice of trusting you. I am sorry. I am sorry I try to be my own God. I am sorry that I have welcomed Sophia into my life. But please redeem those parts of myself that Sophia likes to attach herself to. Please allow me to use those parts of myself for your glory--for life instead of for death. Please! I have desires again. It is wonderful. But are they truly to go unfulfilled? I understand that you call us to sacrifice. But if I offer this to you. . . . will you reinstate it in my life? I miss it. I miss that part of myself. It will be hard. Becuase Sophia exists. But if I keep casting her onto you. . . . will it be possible? Could you please, please consider granting me the desires of my heart. (The funny thing is that they are sitting right in front of me. . . . I guess I am just looking for you permission to enjoy them. Is that okay?) I do want to trust you, Lord. I do want to serve you. I am sorry for my bitterness. I realize that I have no right to be happy or fulfilled in this world. . . . But it would be wonderful. It really would. Please, Lord. That is all I have left: begging for a gift--an undeserved gift.