Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Screaming Match With God. (Guess Who Won.)

God, what is wrong with me?!
Why am I like this?
Why am I angry one minute
and then crying the next?
Why can't I keep myself in a good mood?
Why can't I control this?
I talk so much about not letting my emtions control me.
But it is all just talk.
I fail.
(Maybe it is because you are trying to control your emotions, Jaime.)
It should be easier than this!
I should be able to do it!
I should be better.
A better friend.
A better girlfriend.
A better daughter.
A better sister.
Why can't I output relationships like I output work?!
I should be able to!
Why am I failing?!
(They are people, Jaime.)
I can't get control!
(They are not tasks, Jaime.)
I want control.
I want to be able to do this.
I want to be perfect.
I want to be able to be depended upon at all times.
No matter what.
I won't listen.
I won't.
I won't.
I'm so angry.
Angry at myself.
Or maybe angry at God.
I screwed myself over with an eating disorder.
I get it.
But if God hadn't let me be so messed up in the first place,
then I wouldn't have gone through any of it.
I would be fine now.
I would be a normal person.
(So a normal person is perfect, Jaime?)
Yes, I would be normal.
(Jaime, you're not making sense any more.)
I don't care.
I'm losing people.
I'm pushing them away.
I'm losing my best friend.
I feel like I stab him with a knife everytime I open my stupid mouth.
I hate this!
I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
Why can't I just get it together?
Why can't I just fix myself?
God, You're taking too long!!!!!

Heavy breathing. Silence.

(Jaime, I heard you.)


I want You to do more than just hear me, God.
I want You to change me.

(But I made you the way you are, Jaime.
You are precious to Me this way.)

This way?!
This way?!
A mess!!!
You love me as a mess?!
Are You keeping me this way on purpose???

Silence. Glaring.

(Well, you do cling to Me the closest when you are drowning.)

Screw this!!!
What kind of God are You anyway?
A sadistic one?
You like seeing me suffer?!

(Are you really suffering, Jaime?)


Yes, I am!
Do you see this?
I hate this.
I hate being this way!
I want to be fixed!

(Are you really suffering, Jaime?)


( For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18.
For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison. 2 Corinthians 4:17.)

Oh, so You're going to quote Scripture to me now?


Pull back in fear.

(You have NO right to sit there and COMPLAIN to Me!
What are you thinking?!
So you're having trouble with who you are?
You are My daughter, Jaime!
So you're having trouble with your moods?
Welcome to humanity!
I thought I'd make it interesting for you to live life.
You know how to numb it all out.
I have no doubt.
But I ask you this:
Is it worth it?
Really, Jaime, is all of this worth it?
Is numbing everything out worth it?
Is your anger worth it?
Is it worth it to avoid your pain?
Is it worth it to walk away from Me in anger rather than cling to Me?
Come on, Jaime!
Answer Me!!)

Whispering: No.


It's not worth it.

(Then what are you doing?)

I don't know.

(You want to know what I think you're doing?)


(You're letting Satan play games with you.
You're letting your sin curse rampant within your veins.
You're giving up.)


Then what do I do?



(You need to stop.)

But it's not that easy....

(The first step is actually stopping, Jaime.
Satan will not flee from you;
you must flee from him.
You must stop
letting him throw you around like a rag doll.
You must stop
letting sin run unchecked within yourself.)

Slow nodding.

(I don't expect you to be perfect, Jaime.
But I do expect you to try.
I will not do your work for you.)




(Alright, let's go.
We've got lots to do.)

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