Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Dear John?

Dear God:
Quite frankly, I am not okay right now. All I want to do is cry. All I want to do is give up. I don't understand what You are doing. I don't understand why You made me the way I am. I am not sure I can do this anymore. I am not sure I can be real anymore. It hurts too much. It drains me too much. I am exhausted. What was I thinking signing up for an internship? I don't even think I will make it to the end of the semester. How am I supposed to give a speech on something I screw up every single time? I'm tired God. Why does this life have to be so difficult? Sometimes I really do wish you had removed our free will--just made us into automatrons. Then life wouldn't hurt so much. He says that I have myself to blame for letting my heart hurt so much. I don't think that's fair. I think circumstances set me up this way. I don't know how to find balance. It is so all-or-nothing. I just want to push everyone away. It would be easier that way. I don't think I can push further anymore. I am being crushed. I can't fully live this life because it is too overwhelming. Didn't I just tell that other guy not to focus too much on things? Isn't that what I am doing here? Screw it all. Just screw it. I hate this. I should just go to bed. Maybe sleep will erase it all. Oh, there you go, Jaime--escaping again. Sigh. I was supposed to be talking to God. Sorry, God. I'm pretty mad at you again, God. I wish you would just take me now, God. I really do. Sure he will get mad at me for saying it, but I am just so exhausted of fighting with my own emotions. I am supposed to be a student. I am supposed to be doing work. It's been about 31 hours since I've done homework. What kind of student is that? A crappy one--that's what it is. I suck. Alright, God, I should just shut up, becuase I am not even talking to You anymore. Sorry. (No, I'm really not sorry.....can You handle that?) Whatever. Talk to you later.

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