If I try to think too much with my brain, I will not be able to write this post. I am just going to speak from my heart. So if you find something illogical.....I'm sorry ahead of time. Leave a comment, and I will address it in another blog. For now, it's just my heart. (And as of right now, my faith is a gift that requires me to tell my logical, analytical, doubtful brain to shut up.) (Sorry, might be some resentment there....again...topic for another post...)
My God
is quite patient.
My God
is pretty strong.
My God
is indescribable.
My God
is unmeasurable.
My God
is so personal
that He is going to relate to you
differently than He is going to relate to me.
And that
is a gift.
I was angry with God.
If you have read any of my previous posts,
you are very aware of this.
I was so angry with God.
But I didn't know what to do with that anger.
Because my logical, analytical, Bible College influenced brain
told me that it was a horrible sin to be mad at God,
and I had to cover myself with ashes like Job
or else God might smite me within the hour.
So I wrestled with my anger
in guilt
and even more anger.
Angry with God for not letting me be angry with Him!
Angry with myself for being angry with God in the first place!
Any reference to yeilding,
submission,
our purpose of glorifying God,
God's love,
God's trustworthiness,
the healing of God,
God's redeption,
God's salvation--
any of it--
I CRINGED!
How can I trust a God
who has let me get hurt so much?!
God wouldn't need to save me
if He didn't let sin exist in the first place!
He wouldn't have to build me up,
if He hadn't torn me down!
This was the attitude that I went to the conference with this weekend.
My notes from Friday night and Saturday morning are littered with angry accusations and doubts.
I feared that I might be losing my faith in God.
Are angry conversations considered communing with God?
Thankfully, I felt compelled to go to the first sexual abuse workshop.
Title: When Life Hurts.
Perfect.
It was about the life of Job.
Even more perfect.
I spent most of the session holding in my anger and my tears.
I dialogued with God for most of it.
Jaime: Crap, God! What are you doing?! I saw you carried me through stuff. But why did you do it in the first place? Why did you decide to "bless" me with suffering?
God: To make you like, Christ, Jaime.
Jaime: (Ignoring God's previous comment...) You took the shame upon Yourself. You didn't give it back to him. That is why I'm not mad at him. You have forgiven him and me. Are You going to punish him? I don't want You to. Do I? No. I am able to love him. I am not mad at him. I am mad at You! What do I do with my anger?!
God: Forgive.
Jaime: What do I do with my pain?
God: Forgive.
Jaime: Forgive who? You? I don't understand!!
God: Do you have to understand, Jaime? It's wearing you out. Why can't you just accept it?
Presenter: God doesn't have a purpose in the sin; but He has a purpose for us.
Jaime: What?!
God: Jaime, I let you suffer because I wanted to make you beautiful.
The air deflated out of me.
Tears streaming down my cheeks
in silence.
Finally, I spoke up:
"You talked about struggling to trust God,
and I can relate to that;
but right now I am so angry with God,
and I don't know what to do about it."
The responses were simple and straight forward--
and breathed life into my dry bones:
"It's okay to be angry at God."
"He can handle your anger."
"Anger is a normal step in the healing process."
As the two presenters entered into prayer,
I let my angry, painful tears flow,
uninhibited.
When I finally reemerged,
two women came to me.
They hugged me.
They listened to me.
They reassured me.
Not only did God use His body--
women who have gone before me
on this painful path--
to reassure the
power
strength
love
and faithfulness
of my God;
but He also gave me a personal token
directly from Himself.
"I let you suffer because I wanted to make you
beautiful."
Notice He said "wanted"
instead of "want."
That is past tense.
That means.....
I am already
beautiful.
Who ever said,
I can't bring God out of Living Waters?
Granted I had to search.
And granted God provided a Self-saturated place
in which to seek Him.
But still...
He got through to me.
Or maybe I got through to Him.
Well....really it doesn't matter.
All that matters,
is I felt validated in my anger--
free to feel it--
no longer condemned.
And I was able to reconnect
to my God.
Do I think everything will be perfect
from here on out?
No.
But God reminded me that
He is faithful
and He won't let me go--
no matter how much I try to shove Him out of my face.
My God is relentless.
And I am immeasurably thankful for that.
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