I haven’t been nicely put together since June 29, 2008. You know what that day was? High School graduation. I was on top of the world. I had been with my first boyfriend for 9 months; had my first genuine best friend; had been in a musical; ran track for the first time, and had made it to post-season; been accepted to the Honor’s College at Stony Brook University; and on that very day—June 29, 2008—I graduated valedictorian, breaking the school’s record for highest average. I was a damn fine pot.
But then June 30 hit. You’ve heard the cliché, “Once you hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up.” Well, the formula works in the opposite direction as well. Once you hit mountain top there is nowhere to go but down. The cracks began. And then the cracks began to spread.
I was away from my best friend. I broke up with my boyfriend a month into college. I was no longer the smartest student. I gained weight. I held it together for about a year. But a pot can only sustain so many cracks. Mid-August 2009 I crumbled—my first experience of potsherds.
I was admitted.
After a year of potsherds, I thought I was well enough to rebuild.
Vanity of vanities!
All I did was fall
And so I quite.
I gave up.
God hid me away at Davis.
I didn’t push.
I sat quietly for three years.
Letting God slowly put little tiny pieces back together.
But now it’s time. Now there needs to be more. Now I need to be a full pot again. God isn’t moving fast enough.
And so others are trying to put me together.
Ask me if I’m mad. Go for it. Ask me.
YES, I’M MAD!!
I’m mad at me. I’m mad at you. I’m mad at him. I’m mad at her.
Am I mad at God?
But not really.
What I want most is for everyone to be quiet—including myself—so I can hear. I want the world to stop turning.
But see, that is impractical. The world doesn’t stop. People don’t go away. And my mind doesn’t shut off.
Am I bound to be potsherds forever?
How long, O God??
“How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I take counsel in my soul
and have sorrow in my heart all the day?
How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?
Consider and answer me, O Lord my God;
light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,
lest my enemy say, ‘I have prevailed over him.’
lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken.”
David finished it. I cannot.
“Sometimes we heal by living life.”
I remember what it took for me to let go of my anorexia. I threw everything to the wind. And I ate. I ate with abandon.
Can I live like that? Live with reckless abandon?
I want to.
Forget the pot that I formerly was.
I want to spread my wings. And fly.(Will God be the wind that carries me?)