"And one cannot simply think about God in one's own strength, one has to enquire of him. Only if we seek him, will he answer us." --Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I've stopped inquiring of You, God. I suppose it is mainly because I am doubting the "rightness" of what I've done in the past. I'm doubting my relationship with You. Was it all just based upon emotions? I feel like my relationship with You has never been the same since that fateful (faithful?) night that You met me in my memory. Why did something like that push me away from You so much? Maybe it was partly because You showed me Your realness and Your power. I backed away. Originally in anger. But deep down below that anger was fear. Because You revealed to me, without a doubt, that I am not in control of my own life; YOU ARE. And I have absolutely no say in the matter. Even now that I have pulled away from You--holding You at an arm's length--I know that You are still there. I know that You are still watching me. I am certainly not going to curse You. Nor am I going to deny that You exist. I know that You are my Creator and my Master. I can't even deny that You are my Deliverer/Savior. But where our relationship gets cloudy is Father and Friend. Heck! I can even see Lover. I mean You keep proposing to me--down on one knee--every time You catch a hold of me. And yet I doubt You. I doubt Your ability to be gentle in Your intimacy and genuine in Your favor. A father favors his daughter above himself. A friend is gentle in his care. But a lover only seeks to possess. A lover seeks only to rape me of my identity and then to become master over me. And so I run. I cannot hide. But I run.