Saturday, February 23, 2013

Never Enough

God, there is so much stuff happening around me that I am struggling to keep track of You.
Honestly, Jaime, like God is going anywhere.
He is everywhere.
Why am I having this problem?
Homework, this man, summer camp, my step-father, Grandpa and his wife, Twining, no-dating commitment, my friend/sister, 8 Minutes Max, Elevate, worship team, Living Waters.
I just want to yell, "Time Out! Too much stuff!"
And it's weird because the first two things to go are You and other people. How absurd is that?! Senseless! Vanity of vanities!  הֶבֶל 
Thank you, Qohelet. Great time to expose my twisted, obsessed brain.
It's absurd because You and people are who I need MOST!
I just don't understand, God. I feel like I am incapable of bringing everything under one banner of "Pursue God." I can't even bring them under one banner of "Jaime." They are each different, individual parts of me.
Whatever happened to One Body??
Am I being selfish?
Someone called me an angel yesterday. I am NO angel. I struggle just as much as the next person. I am just as screwed up. Tempted. Fallen. Depraved in my fleshly lusts.
And what does my flesh lust after? Control. Perfection. Godhood.
And how does fear play into all of this? Because fear is all over the place.
I was so scared simply to talk to camp recruiters. 
Why?! Am I ashamed of my own impotency, imperfection, and humanity?
What if I am running around, doing all these things--which are, in and of themselves, perfectly good and beneficial things--just because I want to feel that my life is worth something? Because I honestly feel that I have wasted so much of my life. So if I can't reach my "potential" in one specific area, then I will just spread myself thin.
"I can't possibly search God for that One Thing because I've just got too much going on.
Eventually things will die down.
THEN I will seek Him with my whole heart."
YEAH RIGHT!! What a load of CRAP, Jaime!
Things will never die down. Because I am addicted to doing. I am addicted to pain. I am addicted to suffering.
"God would never want me to rest; God would want me to do more."
Oh my goodness, Jaime! Will you ever be enough?
No. I will never be enough.
God: For whom?
For You.
God: Wrong.
For You.
God: Wrong!
(Yelling) God, damn it, I'm doing this for You! Can't you at least appreciate it?!
God: (tears streaming down His face in pain and frustration) No, Jaime! I don't want an exhausted, miserable, angry, uptight, endlessly driven you! I want your heart! All of it. It's that simple!
(Hunched over in heaving sobs) I can't.
God: (reaching out, wanting to comfort, but remaining at a distance) Jaime, you will never be enough for YOU.

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